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2.5
分
1According to the statement, a computerized system that will be installed in 2the commercial airlines will virtually solve the problem of midair plane collisions. The system can receive signals from another transponder to determine the likelihood of a collision and recommend evasive action. But 3the argument is not convincing to me in many aspects.
4First, the author assumed that5 no warning system results in 6the collisions, but there is7 no valid evidence that shows that the cause of a collision is no system to warn 8the danger. Perhaps the pilot isn’t able to operate 9the emergency because of 10the fear, or the plane is not advanced enough to avoid another very close plane11, so even 12though the system is installed, there still will be many collisions. 13In addition, 14although lacking a system is the only cause of 15the 16collision, 17the 18installment will still not reduce the number of the 19collision. If the system is 20sensible to some other signals, the system will report the likelihood21 in error and will even add some extra collision22. 23So adequate evidence to prove that the system 24dose reduce the number 25the collisions is needed.
26Second, even though 27the 28installment 29does bring an ideal 30situation, there may be some other ways to reduce 31the 32collision. 33For example, 34the 35air plane company can employ pilots with high skills or add some training 36to 37the pilots. Because the cost of the system may be much higher than the training cost, not installing the system is more advisable. 38Moreover, to maintain a computerized system, some workers are needed, so the demand for 39the resources is high, and a small company may not40 afford the system. As a consequence, 41the manager should take these important factors into consideration42.
43Third, if the system is only installed on commercial planes, the problem 44about the non-commercial air plane collisions can’t be solved.45 In other words, 46the collisions among commercial planes will be avoided but the number of those among non-commercial planes will not be changed47 or even increase48. So the problem will be completely solved on if the system is installed 49on all planes.
50In summary, the argument is flawed in many points, so some extra analysis should be considered. If there is more evidence to prove 51the strong relationship between52 the system and 53the decrease in collisions, the statement will be more persuasive. 2.5
James
4First, the author assumed that5 no warning system results in 6the collisions, but there is7 no valid evidence that shows that the cause of a collision is no system to warn 8the danger. Perhaps the pilot isn’t able to operate 9the emergency because of 10the fear, or the plane is not advanced enough to avoid another very close plane11, so even 12though the system is installed, there still will be many collisions. 13In addition, 14although lacking a system is the only cause of 15the 16collision, 17the 18installment will still not reduce the number of the 19collision. If the system is 20sensible to some other signals, the system will report the likelihood21 in error and will even add some extra collision22. 23So adequate evidence to prove that the system 24dose reduce the number 25the collisions is needed.
26Second, even though 27the 28installment 29does bring an ideal 30situation, there may be some other ways to reduce 31the 32collision. 33For example, 34the 35air plane company can employ pilots with high skills or add some training 36to 37the pilots. Because the cost of the system may be much higher than the training cost, not installing the system is more advisable. 38Moreover, to maintain a computerized system, some workers are needed, so the demand for 39the resources is high, and a small company may not40 afford the system. As a consequence, 41the manager should take these important factors into consideration42.
43Third, if the system is only installed on commercial planes, the problem 44about the non-commercial air plane collisions can’t be solved.45 In other words, 46the collisions among commercial planes will be avoided but the number of those among non-commercial planes will not be changed47 or even increase48. So the problem will be completely solved on if the system is installed 49on all planes.
50In summary, the argument is flawed in many points, so some extra analysis should be considered. If there is more evidence to prove 51the strong relationship between52 the system and 53the decrease in collisions, the statement will be more persuasive. 2.5
满分6分
James
分数说明
由于评分主观性客观存在，此处分数仅供参考。
分项说明
A 3 paper demonstrates some competence in its analysis of the argument and in its control of the elements of writing but is plainly flawed. A typical paper in this category exhibits one or more of the following characteristics:
• does not identify or analyze most of the important features of the argument, although some analysis of the argument is present
• mainly analyzes tangential or irrelevant matters, or reasons poorly
• is limited in the logical development and organization of ideas
• offers support of little relevance and value for points of the critique
• does not convey meaning clearly
• contains occasional major errors or frequent minor errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics
总评
Hello! Welcome to SmartPigai!
The main area for improvement in this essay is in your logic. The GMAT requires quite sophisticated argumentation skills and you cannot afford to have your logic be unclear.
In terms of grammar, you make a lot of mistakes in articles. Generally, this type of mistake does not interfere with understanding but in this case so many mistakes are distracting for the reader.
You can use this simple flow chart to decide which article to use:
Step 1 - is this a proper noun? - If yes, there is no article.
Step 2 - if no, is it a specific noun? - If yes, use "the"
Step 3 - If no, is it an uncountable noun? - If yes, no article.
Step 4 - If no, is it a plural noun? - If yes, no article.
Step 5 - If no, does it begin with a vowel (a,e,i,o,u) - If yes, use "an" If no, use "a"
Here is a resource to review prepositions: http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/prepositions.html
Hope to see you again at SmartPigai!
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